Come on, Bonnie!
Atta girl, Bonnie!
You got it! Go, Bonnie!
Bonnie! Bonnie!
Come on!
She keeps that up, we've got a full ride to O.U. in the bag.
Way to go, Bonn.
Hello?
What? What kind of emergency?
I'm on my way.
Whitman needs meds delivered to his office ASAP.
Oh, can't it wait? It's the championship. Come on.
I'll see your championship and I'll raise you the five G's I'm due
if I get there in an hour.
Five grand?
And it doesn't even put me on the road for a week.
Meet up after, celebratory pizza?
Yeah. I'll save you a piece.
Going to need more than one piece.
Oh!
Thanks for getting here so fast.
No sweat. 118 cc's midazolam and 400 cc's propofol.
What happened?
Gastric bypass. Some complications, but the patient's stabilized.
Here's your fee and bonus.
And again, thanks for being so prompt.
If you or anesthesia need anything else...
No, thanks, I'm good.
I'm on it.
Good God.
He's dying. What... Jesus. What the hell did you do to him?
Ah... Ah, he's...
We've got it under... We've got it under... Uh, no.
No, we've got this under... Don't call anyone.
According to my memory of sixth grade social studies, 200-something years ago,
our founding fathers fought for certain inalienable rights.
Free speech, the pursuit of happiness,
the simple chance to have a choice.
But there's such a thing as too many choices.
I long for the days of three TV channels.
No, not her. Delete her.
Delete? She's got 10 years experience.
At what? Pretending away that unibrow? No, thanks.
Right, because that disqualifies her as a nanny.
First of all, don't say nanny.
Okay, you can take all your pervy little babysitter fantasies
and stick them in a drawer.
I mean, anyone who can't manage their own facial hair
isn't getting within a mile of this kid.
Experts call this the Paradox of Choice,
where having too many options can lead to the wrong one,
or to the worst one,
making no choice at all.
Here are her green beans.
And don't forget to give her the sweet potatoes at lunch.
Oh, and don't let me forget to call the Andaluz about that Stegosaurus.
I don't even understand that sentence.
The Andaluz. I know the chef.
Right.
Anyway, she's got a kid. And somehow, old sticky fingers here
came home from the park with his Stegosaurus.
Just remind me to call? No problem.
Good. We're not done here.
Mark. I'm serious.
I can't take any more time off
and I'm not walking into another meeting in the Björn.
Come on. Will you just...
I'll narrow the field down to five,
we'll grill them over lunch. Deal?
Fine. Just send me their names.
Background checks?
Just to be clear, Dr. Whitman's not some down-on-his-luck quack
trying to score a little extra tennis-whites money.
He harvested organs. Selling them on the international black market.
Massive profits don't even begin to tell the story.
His specialty is kidneys.
Removes one during what his patients assumed was a simple gastric bypass.
And his victims, being under anesthesia, are none the wiser.
Bingo.
Whitman poached organs from 40 unwilling patients in two years.
And you supplied the anesthesia?
Yeah, as a sales rep for Keating Pharmaceuticals.
The patients weren't the only unwitting ones. I had no idea. I swear.
He wasn't ordering any unusual amounts.
John didn't do anything. I mean, he's not that kind of man.
It's going to be fine, honey.
I guess. Well, the upside is
we're all going to be together again.
That job that you all got him,
it's going to keep him close to home, right?
Travel will be minimal and local. He's all yours.
I'm so tired of being on the road.
Half the year away from Stace and the kids. I mean,
this WITSEC thing really could turn out to be a blessing in disguise.
I have a question. I can't play lacrosse anymore?
Like, at all?
I'm afraid not, Bonnie.
You were all-state, which is impressive,
but it makes you very easy to find.
Okay. Well, that blows.
Honey, I know.
But as long as we're together as a family, and safe,
we're going to get through this.
I don't want to take half your sandwich.
And the feeling's mutual, but you always do.
Don't worry. I've learned to over-order. You're welcome, by the way.
I can't. We're interrogating sitters for Norah today.
I want to do this on an empty stomach.
I'm, like, 12% more judgmental that way.
Just 12?
Hey, hey. Not so fast. Pastrami keeps.
What's the deal? Who knocked over J. Crew?
The Wilsons. Lovely people.
Cooperative, polite, ready to start again.
They're creepy.
Stepford creepy. They're like the fake family in the frame.
Here we go. What?
People can love each other without drama, Mary.
Dysfunction does not a family make.
Okay. Look, all I'm saying is you can't judge a book.
Ted Bundy played tennis. You take my point.
They're the Wilsons.
Oh, crap. Did I just sleep-eat?
Hey, did you hook me up with that reservation at Andaluz?
Aw, man, Marshall.
Look, I know you think my anniversary is...
Whoa, whoa. Anniversary? You're dating. It's not your anniversary.
It's just, I told Abigail to brace herself for a big surprise,
which only pays off if I can, you know, surprise her with something.
Cross my heart and hope to die.
I really mean that last part.
Whoa. What?
Mine didn't come with a pickle.
So interesting.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey. How do you do?
Let me put my stuff down.
Hey. So, can I talk to you for a quick sec, Mark?
Yes. Awesome.
It won't take long.
One second here.
Is this a joke? She's got phenomenal references.
Oh, yeah. I'm sure she does.
Look, Mark, I'm not hiring some slutty hall monitor to watch my kid.
And Erin Koester, if that's her real name, has a record.
Jay-walking. It's a crime, Mark. She did it twice.
She's a repeat offender.
Keep looking. I'll do my best.
No. No, no. No. Don't do your best.
You've got to do better than that. Do my best.
Come on. It's been a week. Give me just one clue.
You're a detective. I'm not giving you a clue.
Marshall, don't make me bring in my forensics unit.
Uh, hold on. Saved by the cell. I've got to call you back.
Hey, Stacy. I don't know what to do, Marshall. I got a call.
Slow down. John is in danger.
What do you mean, he's in danger?
I need you to get over here right now. Please.
So, Stacy says he's been getting hang-ups on his cell?
Dozens. She's worried Whitman's people might have tracked them down.
We need to check John's phone, every call, incoming and otherwise.
Would have been nice if he'd picked up.
Yeah, yeah. Hey. Check it out.
Where's he going?
Huh.
That's not the car we got him.
Run the plate.
Mmm.
Still wondering who those hang-ups were from?
Talk about a fast operator. Guy's been here a week.
Marshall, Delia, it...
This isn't what it looks like.
No? It isn't that you've been in town for six days
and you already have a mistress?
This isn't cool, John. This isn't goddamn France.
It's not... She... She's not my mistress.
Look, I know what you're thinking...
Daddy! You came home early!
Since 1970, the Federal Witness Protection Program
has relocated thousands of witnesses,
some criminal, some not,
to neighborhoods all across the country.
Every one of those individuals shares a unique attribute
distinguishing them from the rest of the general population.
And that is, somebody wants them dead.
Seven years.
You led a double life for seven years.
Don't. I won't. Won't say a thing.
It's awfully bigamy, wouldn't you say?
Get it? Bigamy? Because, you know...
Got it.
As this case has gotten unexpectedly larger in scope,
I'm assigning an additional inspector.
This is Inspector Shannon.
How do you do?
So...
Two wives, two houses, two sets of kids. That's impressive.
Well done. I can barely get down to the gym.
I... I kept one family in Tulsa and the other one in Norman, a few hours away.
Made sure my lives never crossed.
Two names, two cell phones, two everything.
Jesus.
My job allowed me to spend a week with each family, on and off.
Holidays, I...
just made sure I alternated. Kept things, you know,
fair for everyone?
Aw. Well, that's nice you're fair.
And technically, he hasn't broken any bigamy laws
since he's only legally married to Stacy.
Okay, I'm just trying to keep up. Stacy's the brunette.
The blonde. But the brunette... Eve.
Eve thinks... Eve thinks John's her husband.
How did you pull that off?
I staged a wedding and printed a phony marriage license.
Holy crap.
When did you find the time to shoot J. R? Mary...
I used a pseudonym. Uh, John Wilson.
Eve thinks that I'm John Wilson.
Which is your WITSEC name.
Unreal. So, now, you're John Wilson to both families.
It seemed easier.
Look, I... I never meant for this to happen.
I was a happily married man.
And then I met Eve at one of my client's offices.
She was a nurse.
It was love at first sight.
Mmm, last of the hopeless romantics.
I know how this all sounds.
Sociopaths always say that. They don't really mean it.
I've taken care of my families.
Paid the bills, put food on the table...
Tables.
Other than this situation,
I've always been completely honest with my families, okay?
I love them. All of them.
John, how on earth did you think you were going to get away with this?
I don't know.
If I hadn't gotten so many calls from my wife...
You mean from your fake wife, intercepted by your real wife.
You've ruined these women's lives,
not to mention your children's.
How are you going to look your kids in the eye? Inspector.
Why don't you step outside, get some air?
Okay, please. I know that I violated my M.O.U.
I completely screwed up, and I am so sorry.
But my families are in danger.
Are Stacy and the kids just going to get kicked out of the program?
And what am I going to do about Eve and Lulu, huh?
I'll get A.U.S.A. Perillo on the phone, let him make that call.
In the meantime, you sit tight.
All right?
Don't marry anyone.
I don't care what you say.
Stan gave you the hothead heave-ho, and not me?
That's it. Every year on this date, we're having cake.
You don't find that guy repugnant?
No. I find him common.
Typical. It's the classic male fantasy.
It's Betty and Veronica.
He gets one that's blonde and perky.
The other's a busty brunette with spunk.
Doesn't make me angry. Makes me yawn.
And this cynical attitude of yours has nothing to do with your dad
and his proclivity for multiple families?
Maybe save the psychobabble.
Perillo wants Eve and her daughter in a hotel
until we can do a threat assessment.
Two questions. How much do I tell her,
and can I be cuffed to John when I do?
That's cute. You can tell Eve all about WITSEC,
but any word of John's other family is off-limits.
We can't predict how she's going to react.
Yeah, she could go full Bobbitt on him.
Little chop-chop-snip-snip.
Ugh, yeah. Well, just get Eve and her kid set up and safe.
And no sharp objects.
Eve? We're U.S. Marshals.
I'm Inspector Shannon. This is Inspector Mann.
Yeah, John said you were coming.
Great. You ready? Almost.
He said to pack a bag for a couple of days.
Hey, Lulu, will you go run out to the sandbox for a little bit?
Cute kid. Thank you.
She's been a real trouper with the move.
I mean, she's used to John being away on business.
Is that how you two met? On business?
Yeah, business.
And then, we fell in love. He has such a big heart.
We've heard. Uh, look, Inspectors,
I'm trying my best to stay calm,
but what is this?
Eve, we can't, um...
No, John says you can't hardly tell me anything.
Even where he is. But please?
Your husband,
he's a witness in a major federal investigation.
He's entered witness protection.
And you may need to, as well.
Witness protection?
Yes.
Why didn't he just tell me?
He said we had to move to New Mexico because he got a new job.
John has never lied to me before. About anything.
Eve, listen to me.
Right now, we just want to make sure
you and your daughter are secure.
You don't want to scare Lulu, right?
Then you need to stay calm. Can you do that for me?
Yeah. Good. Good.
Hey, baby?
This guy's a hall of fame weasel. No one's arguing.
But his value's hard to overstate.
Even if the marriage to wife number two is illegal,
the kid's still his kid.
That means an additional residence, additional stipend.
Oh, Perillo, you're killing me here.
D.C.'s up my ass about the budget as it is.
Your ass has my sincere apologies.
The decision's been made.
Perillo.
So, both families stay in WITSEC.
No. No.
Yes. But on one condition.
Bobbit. Bobbit.
You have to keep going back to that?
"Have to" is strong.
Both women need to be told the truth.
Good. Sweet.
Can I get a backstage pass?
Actually, yes, in a manner of speaking.
Guess who gets to break the news.
Careful what you wish for.
Man.
I'm not following. What do you mean, who I think he is?
Let's go simpler.
The name you know him by, John Wilson,
is not his real name.
What?
His real name is John Arnett.
He's the oldest son of Ron and Alice Arnett
who live just outside of Tulsa.
He has two younger sisters.
No. John's parents died before we met and he's an only child.
Okay. This isn't going to be easy, but...
I'm sorry.
That's last Christmas. Those are John's parents.
And who is that woman?
And those kids? Who are those kids?
Oh, my God.
That was so much less fun than I thought it would be.
"Funny story. Your husband has got another family."
Finkel couldn't do the heavy lifting on that one?
She thought it would be best if each wife heard the news from an authority figure.
Authority figure.
She knows you hem your own pants, right?
How did Original Recipe wife take it?
Hey! Hey! Whoa!
You screw another woman behind my back?
You flash that phony smile at me on how many Christmases?
And anniversaries? How could you do that?
To our kids?
You asshole!
Hey, hey.
It's okay. I'm fine. Get off of me.
All right. Stacy, listen.
We need to try to keep this out of the realm of the physical, okay?
Now, I understand your anger. It is completely justified.
But just try to focus on using your words.
My words?
Okay. I'll use my words.
Are you insane, you cheating sack of...
You lied to me.
To my face.
To our children.
For seven years?
What I thought five seconds ago were seven wonderful years.
Stacy.
If I had known... Don't.
Don't you ever say my name.
John, is there anything you'd like to say?
I won't deny that what I've done is wrong.
But I did it.
I did it because I love you.
Both of you. I love our children.
And I know I lied about a lot of things,
and for that, I am so sorry.
But the way that I feel about you,
and my commitment to all of you,
was not a lie.
Just keep your mouth shut.
You should have kept your goddamn dick in your pants.
Hey. You think this is just about sex?
I fell in love.
Oh, my God. Don't you get that that's worse?
I love both my families.
Now, I know this sounds ludicrous,
but you two are the most beautiful, amazing, kind women in the world.
That crap's going to fly.
That's why I busted ass all those years.
So you could stay at home and raise our kids.
It wasn't easy, but it was worth it.
I mean, look at... Look at Bonnie and Ryder and how happy they are.
And Lulu. She's incredible.
I'm sorry.
Please give me a chance.
We can start over. We can keep our family...
Don't say it. together, you know?
I swear to God, he sells this,
he deserves the Glengarry leads.
Guys.
Take it outside. Let's go.
Are you kidding? This is just getting good. Mary.
Guys. Out.
Wow.
Jesus. That was a poop storm.
Yeah, no kidding.
That was like Kramer versus Kramer versus Kramer in there.
Never in my life have I been kicked out of a room.
Now, twice in one week.
You're a bad influence.
Oh, man. It's Mark.
I've got to go. We're narrowing down candidates.
Good luck depriving well-meaning people of gainful employment.
Yeah. Because I need luck.
Delia.
We'll talk more, John.
Inspector Mann? Ready to try again?
So, we're just supposed to stay together in witness protection.
All of us. It's ridiculous.
What, we're all just supposed to live here, under one roof,
like one big happy family? That is insane.
It's insane, and I am not doing it.
You have the option of remaining in WITSEC,
separate from John, in different cities.
However, we are advising you to undergo two weeks of family therapy first.
What, together?
As in all of my family, my kids,
and then, with her? With John's little...
Hey.
Listen. Like it or not, Lulu is Bonnie and Ryder's half-sister.
Oh, my God.
We need to help the kids process this.
Get everything out in the open. No more secrets.
We've arranged for both families to be placed in the same hotel
while the therapy takes place.
And what if I say no?
I'm not moving anywhere until I talk to my kids.
Whatever their reaction, the option to leave the program is, of course,
open to all parties.
Good?
No. Not good.
But, fine.
Fine.
Daddy loves you very much.
But just like anybody else, Daddy makes mistakes sometimes.
There we go. Just take your time.
Thank you. It's cool. We've got a lot of time.
So, don't rush. Yeah.
Thanks so much for coming, and we'll let you know. All righty, then.
Uh, no.
Mary, she raised seven children.
Yeah. When? 1912? No, forget it.
Norah's going to be crawling in five minutes.
Cross her off the list.
Good God, this is endless.
Principal Stuber?
What are you doing here? Mary.
I stopped being Principal Stuber two years ago.
So, Joanna will do.
Hey, Mom. How was your flight?
It was wonderful. Oh...
Let me get my hands on that little angel.
Hello. There we go.
Mom knew we were looking for somebody,
and she figured she'd help until we figure things out.
Wow. So, you retired.
Hard to believe. Just give up the iron fist, cold turkey?
Oh, I'd had enough of that.
And with Mark's father gone,
and you two apparently allergic to anything east of the Mississippi,
I had to come to you.
Okay, but...
Mary, turn me down if you want.
But sooner or later, you're going to need me,
and my money's on sooner.
Look at this dinosaur, sweetie.
From the Cretaceous Period.
Can you say "Cretaceous"?
You know what? I think she's hungry.
Are these people starving you? Let's get something to eat.
I hooked us up, right?
You happy? No.
Not happy. Unhappy, Mark.
That's Principal Stuber.
You should have told me.
This was supposed to be a "we" thing, Mark.
Instead, you go and Pearl Harbor me with The Stube?
Mary, we need help.
Fine.
Fine. For now. But we're not done with this.
I've got to go. Bye, Principal Stuber.
Call me Joanna.
Bye.
Is it a hot-air balloon ride?
Yes, it is. No.
I know you, that's too easy. That's a red herring.
It's not a red herring. It's a lie. There's a difference.
You are incorrigible.
Mmm.
Ah. I've got to take this.
The woman sure knows when to call.
I'll start the pancakes.
Hey. Oscar. Yes, dear.
I'm walking into the Andaluz as we speak.
The great Stegosaurus hand-off is minutes away from scoring you a primo table.
What do you want? Window? Fireplace? Kitchen-side?
I can definitely score you kitchen-side.
Window. Fireplace is not so good.
I'm a tad xerodermic.
Yeah, I don't know what xerodermic means.
All I know is when you say it, it makes me want to punch you in the throat.
Holy crap.
What?
Stan is here.
He's eating with some glamazon.
Seriously, she's buttering his biscuit.
Oh, I shouldn't. No, no, no.
I've got to watch my girlish figure.
From what I saw last night, your figure's doing just fine.
Thank you.
Go, Stan.
Oh, no. No, no, no. No. I take it back. Stop, Stan.
Sweet Jesus, I'm going to puke in the planter.
What? They're kissing.
Oh, no. No, make it stop.
Ugh! Lots of tongue. Sloppy, open-mouthed sandwich kind of deal.
Don't tell me that. Why did you tell me that?
Sorry, pal. I didn't want to know it alone.
I should go. If I'm late to class again,
I'm going to have to start giving refunds.
Oh, my God. They're coming this way.
This is too good. And bad. I'm confused.
I'll see you when I get off work, okay?
You work such long days, Stanley.
I wish you would tell me why.
You know why. I'm a U.S. Marshal.
Some things, I just...
Yeah, there were some things my ex wouldn't tell me, either.
Like credit card fraud, gas station hold-ups.
Okay. Sit down.
Make up your minds, people.
I'm going to tell you my big secret.
I used to
have a fro out to here. A full head of hair.
Mutton chops to match. That's a true story.
But I'm not a crook.
Hey, get away.
Whoa. Hold on.
Perillo's calling me. I'll talk to you later.
The reservation.
What's up, Perillo?
Damn it.
I got here as fast as I could.
I thought Abigail was going to kill me for not eating her pancakes.
I'm going to take that literally or die trying.
Which one of the wives are we dealing with here?
Hard to say. Could be either.
Last night, one of them called Dr. Whitman's office from a pay phone.
Left a message offering to give up John's location.
Hell hath no fury like two women scorned.
We're moving both families to a secondary location.
But this time, everybody's got around-the-clock security details.
Lock it down. No phone calls without permission. Yes, sir.
For someone who just sipped from the chalice of Eros, he's in a foul humor.
He could just be sore. Her legs go up to his bald spot.
Dr. Whitman's out on bail, pending trial.
But FBI's got eyes on him and his guys ever since.
So, every call into that office gets recorded.
We have a warrant to monitor all incoming and outgoing.
Thankfully, we caught this before the doctor had a chance to hear it.
I know you want to hurt him.
He deserves to be hurt. He's horrible.
You want to know where to find him?
Be at this number at 5:00 tomorrow.
Definitely female.
Yeah, and some sort of Lady Vader thingy.
Voice morph app.
Which one you want? Pick a wife. Any wife.
No. I wouldn't do that. I swear.
Okay. But it would be understandable if you did,
and it's better we know now.
I mean, I get how pissed off you've got to be at John.
I'm upset, yeah, but...
That doesn't mean I'd want him dead.
He's the father of my children.
Look. I know that I... I lost it
when I found out about everything yesterday,
but I would never want to...
I would never hurt him.
I mean, I don't know.
Don't they say that it's always the more quiet, mousey types
you've got to watch out for?
Don't they say that?
We ran your criminal record, Eve.
You want to tell me about your ex's motorcycle?
That was an accident.
I was a kid.
I was a hothead. Was.
Years ago, before I met John.
Before we had Lulu.
I'm not saying you made the call.
I'm just saying if you did,
given what the guy put you through...
I'd find it really hard to blame you.
I'm telling you...
It wasn't me.